Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018

2017, you heartbreaker.

I remember being very excited for 2016 to end, egged on by quite a many memes confirming that 2016 was indeed a terrible year.Bad 2016 MemeOf course, we sadly remember that it was indeed a bad year even without the internet’s comic relief: natural disasters, terrorist attacks, and Trump becoming President of the USA.

For no particularly solid reason, I looked to 2017 with hope like many others, wishing it would be a much better year.

Sadly, I would say 2017 is the worst year I have had. Without going into too much detail, I lost a lot of faith, a few relationships with a great ripple effect, and on a night out I got drugged and spent a couple of hours hallucinating in fearful paranoia but I was very lucky to be safe in the end.

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[THE GROWN UP CHILD ACTOR] EATING DISORDER

It’s funny how people usually think of anorexia first when they hear the words ‘eating disorder’.

For me it was binge eating (yes it’s a thing) and bulimia. I actually desperately wanted to be anorexic, but the whole reverse psychology thing kicked in and my cravings took over my mind.

I was bulimic because of my binge eating, and I did that because I was under so much pressure to be thin that food became a drug to me. The sense of deprivation came from obsessive dieting and eventually everything revolved around food.

First things first, when this all began I had a BMI of ~18.3, just underweight. I probably started gaining a bit of weight, and being in the world of entertainment which can drive the most confident person to be insecure, I hopped on the diet wagon.

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Check me out: round, on the cover of a magazine, wearing a strange strange dress.

In hindsight I feel my addictive personality may have contributed to it. I like to go all in. I researched the most effective diets and learned why it was so. Sadly for me, learning why opened the door to a whole new level of obsession. I needed to track my caloric intake. I started reading the labels on everything I ate. I would get very good at guessing the calories in a portion of food (like how I became really good at guessing someone’s salary just from looking at their CV as a recruiter, ha). I would weigh myself before and after I peed or worked out, as if the difference meant anything. I would feel bad that my efforts didn’t make my body look different.

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