I remember being very excited for 2016 to end, egged on by quite a many memes confirming that 2016 was indeed a terrible year.Of course, we sadly remember that it was indeed a bad year even without the internet’s comic relief: natural disasters, terrorist attacks, and Trump becoming President of the USA.
For no particularly solid reason, I looked to 2017 with hope like many others, wishing it would be a much better year.
Sadly, I would say 2017 is the worst year I have had. Without going into too much detail, I lost a lot of faith, a few relationships with a great ripple effect, and on a night out I got drugged and spent a couple of hours hallucinating in fearful paranoia but I was very lucky to be safe in the end.
It’s funny how people usually think of anorexia first when they hear the words ‘eating disorder’.
For me it was binge eating (yes it’s a thing) and bulimia. I actually desperately wanted to be anorexic, but the whole reverse psychology thing kicked in and my cravings took over my mind.
I was bulimic because of my binge eating, and I did that because I was under so much pressure to be thin that food became a drug to me. The sense of deprivation came from obsessive dieting and eventually everything revolved around food.
First things first, when this all began I had a BMI of ~18.3, just underweight. I probably started gaining a bit of weight, and being in the world of entertainment which can drive the most confident person to be insecure, I hopped on the diet wagon.
Check me out: round, on the cover of a magazine, wearing a strange strange dress.
In hindsight I feel my addictive personality may have contributed to it. I like to go all in. I researched the most effective diets and learned why it was so. Sadly for me, learning why opened the door to a whole new level of obsession. I needed to track my caloric intake. I started reading the labels on everything I ate. I would get very good at guessing the calories in a portion of food (like how I became really good at guessing someone’s salary just from looking at their CV as a recruiter, ha). I would weigh myself before and after I peed or worked out, as if the difference meant anything. I would feel bad that my efforts didn’t make my body look different.