How’s this for a thought? I don’t think many of us love ourselves enough. I’m not talking about whether someone comes across as confident, I’m talking about what we really think about ourselves – that deep down feeling we don’t like to give a lot of attention to, or worse yet, that feeling that consumes our entire being, living only under that thin layer of a mask we wear.
I’m bringing this up because obviously, I came to a point where I realized I didn’t love myself as much as I could or should. This stuff runs deep and there can be so many levels to it. Some of this comes in the form of day to day lifestyle choices, like not making enough time for ourselves, and some of this comes from a false sense of identity which perhaps leads to destructive behaviors.
For me, it probably runs on the deeper rather than the shallower (easier) end, but if I’m completely honest, I also don’t have the energy to be dwelling on this every day. I have, however, decided to give this a little more attention because we as humans are always striving for so many things and yet, I don’t think we can go very far unless we are fueled with the right stuff. Let me make this clear, I don’t think EVERYONE is messed up and “needs” to love themselves more. I know people who are happy and are at a good place. We do, however, go through ups and downs, and many are able to seek improvement and change under a very positive light.
I was going to write about acting, but this insecurities thing is burning on my mind and last time I checked this is my bloody blog and I can write whatever I want to.
I’m quite open about insecurities because I know everyone has them. Recently I’ve had to face some insecurities I thought I was done with. It’s sobering to learn that some insecurities just don’t go away. Not completely.
So much of being an actor is about facing and living with your insecurities, but I feel that’s really because we’re all human. We all have insecurities, actor or not. Maybe this blog post could be a standalone outside of this series; or to be honest, I could probably also start a one called “Insecurity is My Middle Name”.
Before we go into the things I’m insecure about, let’s start with some ground rules. Try not to judge or bitch too much. If you’re going to tell me I have no right to feel a certain way, or that I’m just ungrateful, you might not understand what insecurities are. Insecurities can be irrational, which is why they’re a bitch to live with, but also why we stand a chance at working through them.
So. Shall we begin?
I’m insecure about:
My thighs, and calves… let’s just say my legs
My tummy, the way it sticks out after a meal… even though I know it’s supposed to do that
My eye brows
My profile, as in how my face looks from the side
My face, actually
My nails, please don’t look at them
My singing, not that I actually need to sing for anyone
My sentimentality, it makes me feel like I care more than others do, as if that’s a crime
I think this is becoming a list of things I don’t love about myself, and could go on forever, but while it lasted – all ten points of it – it was great to get off my chest and to openly say that those are the things that would drain my confidence if you paid attention to it.
My name is Rachel. Born in Hong Kong, raised here as an actress.
I was maybe four years old when I first started acting, 24 when I finally walked away from it all. I was younger than most of my colleagues, but had the most experience at least in terms of years. For twelve months I worked as a Flight Attendant, bringing my tally of visited countries to 24. When I realized it wasn’t something I wanted to do for life, I looked for my first ‘proper’ job at age 25. Soon I joined a global recruitment firm as a consultant, where for the first time I was immersed in the corporate world of sales.
I didn’t stay at the job for very long. It drove me crazy and I tried to look for ‘my thing’, as I had for as long as I can remember.
I’m at a job right now that’s better than being a recruiter, but it feels like I never did figure out who I really am after I stopped acting. Maybe I’ll feel like a fish out of the water for as long as I’m not on set.
This is the life of a grown up child actor. Follow this space to read about the insecurities, eating disorder, identity struggles and all the things we pretend to know nothing about.